Popular Psychologist Guides You Through the Silent Dangers of Narcissism

In a video, you caution against granting forgiveness to those who continue being hurtful, or where it might be considered “clear and present danger,” as doing so serves to enable, or sanction, the continuance of these behaviours. Forgiveness, there, devalues the imperative of repentance. What are your “red lines” for forgiveness?

First, before forgiving, give yourself a moment to reflect on this behaviour, and offer forgiveness when you are ready to give up resentment. Forgiveness implies that you have let go of the resentment. If you resent and forgive, it’s not really forgiveness.

Second, once you have forgiven a first time, then monitor. If the person repeats the transgression, then never again. First time, shame on you; second time, shame on me. Forgiveness is a gift, and part of that gift on the part of the receiver is that they change their behaviour in response to the hurt. Narcissists take forgiveness and run with it as a get-out-of-jail-free card.

Fitting for these days of teshuva (repentance), it’s important to note that narcissists are notorious for bad apologies, like “sorry you feel that way,” “sorry for any misunderstanding,” “sorry if I may have hurt you,” etc. What else do we need to know about the narcissistic “apology?”

An apology for a narcissist is a way to get a nuisance out of the way, and keep the trains running on time. A true apology means true contrition – recognition of their error, taking responsibility for it, and committing to change. They do not have the empathic capacity or the self-reflective capacity to do this.

We learn when we are four years old how to apologize. If a 74-year-old man is walking around saying he does not know how to, and has to learn – that doesn’t pass the smell test. Apologies require humility. Narcissists lack that.

Asking for apologies is also tough. They tend to flip away these discussions with phrases like, “what’s done is done,” “just move on,” “why can’t you just move past this?,” “get over it.” So now, you’re either faced with being DIMmed – Dismissed, Invalidated, and Minimized – or, you hold their feet to the fire, and then wish you had held your tongue. Is speaking out worth it, knowing it won’t make a difference?

It depends on what helps you sleep at night. All the examples you gave above are examples of gaslighting – a denial of the reality of the other, as well as stonewalling and defensiveness. I love your term DIMmed by the way! They are always deflecting, so they do not need to deal with the emotional demands of intimacy and empathy. The narcissist won’t change.

Silence is not acceptance; it is actually not giving them narcissistic supply, which is strategic. But it does mean you need to find other places in your life to be able to have reciprocal conversations.

Speaking out is a waste of energy, if you don’t think it will result in change. It is not, if it relieves tension for you. Some people don’t want to deal with the gaslighted word salad that is a conversation with a narcissist, so they don’t waste their breath. Some don’t mind the battle, even though they know the narcissist won’t change. Some people believe speaking out on their principles is how they sleep at night.